Asking 36 specific questions along with 4 min of sustained eye contact is a recipe for falling in love, or at the very least create intimacy among complete strangers.
Background
Creating a close and intimate rapport between two people who have just met is challenging. However, psychologist Arthur Aaron of Stony Brook University created a method for doing just this.
The method entails exchanging specifically designed questions for 45 min, which gradually become more and more intimate. The questions make us open up and share meaningful information about ourselves that triggers deep emotions within us and the person sitting across us. The exchanges makes each person open up, be vulnerable, it establishes mutual trust through the shared stories, which are usually not shared, or only shared with close friends or life-partners. This quickly facilitates a strong sense of connection and along with the intimacy of the progressive personal sharing, the emotions that are triggered will be anchored to the interaction and the person you interact with. Then, the session ends with by staring into each others’ eyes for 4 min, which further enhances the connection, intimacy and emotional anchoring.
The method seems very promising in its potential to create real, lasting relationships, or at the very least brief but meaningful connections.
The Method’s Utility
The method may be useful to help create interpersonal contacts in dating situations, for deepening the connection in an existing romantic relationship, at orientations for entering college students, at week-long seminars or workshops for all types of groups, or among socially isolated individuals in a community or institution. Finally, it may have important potential for clinical populations affected by avoidant attachment styles.
Question Set #1
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Question Set #2
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Question Set #3
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …“
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Can Love Be More of a Choice?
The prospect of looking straight into someone’s face, and eyes for 4 min can feel intimidating to many. Although you may not easily be able to create love between two strangers, feelings of intimacy and trust, which are necessary conditions for love to thrive, would seem to be less than 1 hour away. This may allude to love being more of a choice than we typically allow ourselves to believe.
References
- The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings (1997)
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