Have you considered that some “apologies” can hurt more than they do good?
How we apologize is just as important as making the apology itself.
Some people say: “I’m sorry you feel that way“, and think that this constitutes as an apology out of ignorance, or lack of emotional literacy and awareness. Other’s knows that it doesn’t, and use it as an attempt to further sting the other person.
Psychologists call these “non-apologies.”
They use the language of an apology, while shifting blame from themselves to the other person.
It’s really saying:
“The problem isn’t what I did. The problem is your internal reaction, or how you felt about it.”
This approach completely lacks accountability, shows that we are not really sorry after all, and that the apology is hollow, fake and for show. It’s really pretending to care, even though both parties know it’s not real.
If you are truly sorry, and really want to fix things, you need three simple parts to construct a proper apology:
- Owning our actions: e.g. “I messed up when I did that.”
- Clearly communicate that you see their side: e.g. “I understand why that hurt you, because what I did lead to…”
- Let them know how you will be making a change for the future, to minimize the chance of it happening again: e.g. “Next time, I’ll try to…“
It might feel uncomfortable, for a brief time. But that’s how an apology should feel like. Afterall, you did something wrong. However, that short-term awkwardness will soon be replaced by feeling better after having done the right thing to the other person, rather than not holding yourself accountable, and shifting blame. It will allow for a space for you to make amends, and move on.
Owning mistakes and showing real empathy builds trust fast, and makes relationships stronger.
When You Are not Ready Yet
Sometimes we’re not ready to say sorry yet, because we don’t fully comprehend what happened, and the ramifications of what we did. If, that’s the case, then it can be helpful to simply repeat back what the other person said:
“What I hear you saying is you felt I was ignoring you because I didn’t text back the same day? Is that right?” Keep in mind that it’s vital that you say this without judgement, blame, or sarcasm in your voice. You don’t have to agree. You may not. But, you do have to listen with empathy.
This creates space to see blind spots. Sometimes you may realize, “Wow, I didn’t see that at all.” Other times, we find out we’re talking past each other.
This little habit will save you a lot of heartache, personally and professionally, as it has for countless others.
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