How to Transform Unpleasant Experiences & Thoughts into Opportunities

“People think you become confident first and then take action. That is wrong. You would be waiting around forever for that. The best way to build confidence is to act.” This could be your year to act!

Phil Stutz is one of the world’s leading psychiatrists. He has helped countless patients over 40 years, including world-class creatives and business leaders, and among them many therapy-skeptics. Directed by friend and patient Jonah Hill, the film “Stutz” (1h 36 min) on Netflix explores Stutz’s life and walks us through his signature visualization exercises, The Tools. As Hill sits down with Stutz for an unorthodox session that flips their typical doctor-patient dynamic, they bring The Tools to life in a humorous, vulnerable and ultimately therapeutic experience. In particular the way the documentary looks at human vulnerability is warm and beautiful.

The film features candid discussion of both Stutz’s and Hill’s personal mental health journeys, amidst Hill’s progressively worsening anxiety attacks related to a movie promotion that have turned his dream job into a nightmare. The audience takes part in their journey while also exploring their own story through the tools, insights, lessons and stories. It is powerful, refreshing, healing and inspiring. Alongside the lighthearted banter of two friends from different generations, the film beautifully frames the journey toward mental health in an effort to be authentic, get personal, and get better. Also it is done in a manner that is accessible to anyone, whether or not they are actively seeking help.

A lot of Stutz’ tools acknowledges other established philosophies found in the likes of Buddhism, Hinduism, and Jungian psychology. Yet, Stutz plays with the language and navigates the delivery in a way that his insight feels more frank and easy to grasp, using endearing illustrations to educate his clients.

Key Points

Aspects of Reality

• There are 3 Aspects of Reality: pain, uncertainty and constant work.
  
• Life Force (1:35 min): A three-leveled pyramid focusing on aspects of our lives that drive us forward. “Being passionate about connecting to your own life force leads you to your passion.”
  
  Activate your life force as it is the only part of you that drives you forward when you feel lost. Take care of your body, take care of your people, take care of yourself. Once you do, figuring out how to move forward becomes much easier.
  1. The top level is your relationship with yourself.
  2. The second layer is your relationship with other people
  3. The bottom of the pyramid is your relationship with your physical body (e.g. exercise, diet, sleep)
     
     85% of the initial gains to someone with mental health concerns commencing therapy can come from focusing on these factors.
     
     This has some backing in the literature as well as a recent meta-analysis shows that exercise may be as powerful as anti-depressant medication for depression. Research also shows that a modified Mediterranean diet can substantially improve symptoms and functioning of people living with moderate to severe depression. The strength of the evidence means it has now been cited in key policy documents, advocacy and clinical practice guidelines in Europe and the UK. Furthermore, the principal organization representing the medical specialty of psychiatry, the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists, now recommends lifestyle modification should be considered as the first step in treating depression.
     
     
• Part X (1:28 min): It is the judgmental part in us that makes growth and change feel impossible in the face of adversity. It wants to block your evolution and potential. It is the aspect of ourselves that we recognize as a fixed limitation. It will not disappear, but you can recognize it, defeat it temporarily and work towards managing it when it comes back.
  
  “Part X is the villain in the story of being a person, and the tools are what the hero on the journey can use to fight the villain.”

The Tools

Once you understand and embrace the unavoidable Aspects of Reality, your Life Force and your Part X, it is time to understand and start using The Tools (1:34 min): A series of actions which will change your inner state just by putting them into practice.

Each simple step is an action, or a bit of forward motion. By taking unpleasant experiences and thoughts, and transforming them into opportunities, it gives people the propulsive feeling that they can make big changes. The tools change your mood and give you a sense of hope. Each of the tools are visualized into hand-drawn que cards that each patient keep as reminders of the practices that they have in their toolbox. The power of the cards is that they turn big ideas into simple images. It is a way of communicating with the patient, that Stutz felt was more powerful than using words. The cards can also help anchor the patients when they are feeling emotionally dysregulated or otherwise need to feel safe outside of the therapy room.

• String of pearls: Getting lost is an inevitable part of self-work. That self-work is like a string of pearls, one after the the other, continuously moving forwards. As each pearl is of a similar size, you can think of each action having the same value, no matter what it is. Meaning that every large or small action in your life is just a thing to do.
  
  However, each pearl also contains a negative aspect (turd/dark spot), indicating constant, unavoidable imperfection. For every effort you put into something, there will be that possibility of a negative result (a turd), it will not be perfect. The key is to acknowledge that and keep adding to the string anyway. Every step, every decision, can lead to a pearl, or the non-desirable turd. Thus, “True confidence is living with uncertainty and moving forward (anyway)”.
  
  The highest form of expression is to create something new in the face of adversity.

• The Shadow (1:58 min): The piece of ourselves or our history that we carry with us and are ashamed of.
  
  Think of Part X as your doubts and deepest fears, and consider the Shadow as a by-product of believing whatever Part X tells you. The Shadow is typically holding you back. The version of you that you most despise. Find/identify your shadow. Do not try to hide it, or pretend that it does not exist, rather befriend it. Bring it into the light by being open about and acknowledge e.g. your weaknesses and be proud of it. This will lead to them wielding less power over you, and let you regain balance in your own mental narrative.
  
  Lean more about shadow work and the benefits of shadow work (confidence, self-expression and connection) from psychotherapist Barry Michels, a close colleague of Phil Stutz.
  
  • Exercise: Visualize a time in your life when you felt inferior, embarrassed, rejected, despondent, that you ashamed of. It is the part of you that you wish you were not. Ask the shadow how he feels about you. How you have treated him. Listen to his answers. Ask him about how he feels about the way that you have treated him. The shadow needs attention from you. Ask him what can you do to make up for not paying attention to him for such a long time.

• Shame and Embarrassment: the glue of connection is the ability to commiserate over experiences that feel shameful or embarrassing. In those moments of admission, you are leaving yourself vulnerable and thereby indicating that you trust the other person, which sets the stage for empathy, rather than alienation. Should you receive a negative response, you will swiftly weed out those who would not constitute a safe connection anyway.

• The Snapshot / The Realm of Illusion (1:38 min): The mind’s image of a picture perfect life experience. A typical image in your mind created by your Part X. A snapshot is just a moment frozen in time, without movement or depth, and you have cripple yourself with it. People tell themselves if they can enter that perfect world, then magic will (automatically) happen.
  
  For certain people, if they attain that mental snapshot, often for only a brief period of time, and it does not automatically/magically solve all their inner challenges in life, a lot of people feel like their belief system or mental structure collapses and they fall into depression.
  
  
• The Maze: The by-product of Part X’s work. Getting stuck in the past over something that you feel was unjust/unfair, a regret or remorse and when you (or Part X in you seeks justice you) keep mulling over this you find yourself stuck in the maze or past regressing, unable to move forward in life.
  
  The solution is to accept it and let it go.
  
  We need to find the courage to be vulnerable and share our shadow with the world, see the next pearl after every turd, and accept the past so that the maze mirage dissolves itself.

• The Tool of Intimacy: one of the biggest failures is “not using intimacy to go deeper.” Typically a disagreement can leave you at odds with someone because you do not allow yourself to try to explain the deeper meaning or impact it is having on you. Often this leaves you wondering when the opportunity to remedy your reservations will come again. To avoid this, utilize intimacy and vulnerability as a tool to present your authentic self, the result will serve you.

The Work

After having learned about the Tools, it may allow you to enjoy, accept and manage what life has in store for you. Here are some of Stutz’s visualizations for what can come next.

• Active love (1:42 min): A response to being stuck in “The Maze” which allows you to achieve true satisfaction.
  
  • Exercise: Imagine you are surrounded by a universe completely made out of love. A world that is almost dense with loving energy. Feel yourself taking in all the love in the universe, and gently, but firmly place all of it in your heart. In that moment, you are the center of love in the whole universe. You see the person (or situation of conflict) you are angry at / despise, and you send all this concentrated love towards the other person. You give everything and hold nothing back. You see and feel your love enter the other person’s body. For a moment, you become one.
    
    At that point you get the sense that “if I can become one with this bastard, I can become one with anybody.” You have completely disarmed your negative sense of that person (or situation), and are left the wonderful feeling of giving and gratitude in its place. This allows for a sense of prowess, almost of mastery. However, it is not for the other person, rather it is to make you feel whole, and free from the maze, so that you can move forward.

• Radical Acceptance: The antidote to judgment. Judgment of yourself, of others and of what could potentially happen in the future. Accept that there is no need for judgement. It is about accepting all parts of yourself and allowing them to exist. To exist is to accept and learn to let go.
  
  Actively believe that there is some value in what you are doing. That it will compound and pay off later. Get the most out of every moment, look for the positive and “squeeze the lemon“. Try to ask yourself: “What would the positive interpretation of this be?” The more we seek to “squeeze the lemons” out of the small moments in life, to extract the positive takeaways, the more our sense of well-being grows.
  
  
• Grateful Flow (1:19 min): Our Part X wants to linger on negative thought patterns (dark clouds), but remind yourself that behind the dark clouds the sky is always blue. To break through the dark cloud use gratefulness as it gives you the sensation that there is always something positive up there, even if you are unable to see it. The grateful flow is the process is about creating concentrated gratitude in your own mind.
  
  • Exercise: close your eyes and slowly say three things that you are grateful for. Say them slowly, not focusing on the things themselves, but on the process of eliciting gratitude for those things. Then continue listing beyond three things, silently, inside your head. After a few more, begin to create another grateful thought, but pause before it is fully formed. Notice the force that would create that grateful thought, expand upon it, and allow yourself to be taken over by it.

• Loss Processing (1:27 min): Even when assigning deep meaning and value, we must recognize that everything is temporary. Thus, we must be willing to let go of everything, as at some point it will all cease to exist anyway. The goal of this is to get what is called a potency of non-attachment, which means that you can allow yourself to be fearless in your pursuit of something, but at the same time be willing to let it go. Pursue it really hard, but also be willing to lose.
  
  • Exercise: Pick something (e.g. person, job, item) that you have become too attached to, in such a way that you feel if you were to let it go, something terrible would happen. Visualize/imagine that you are grasping it like it is a branch of a tree. You are afraid to let go, but you let go anyway. You start to fall. The falling is to your surprise rather slow and gentle. As you are falling you say silently “I am willing to lose everything”, while allowing yourself to really feel the intent. Imagine falling onto the surface of the sun. Once you reach the surface, your physical body (your “instrument of possession”) disappears, absorbed by the sun’s tremendous energy. You then find yourself transformed into light. You are everywhere and can expand as quickly as you want. Instead of grasping, all you can now do is give. 

The friendship between Jonah and his therapist, Stutz, as equals allows for a vulnerable and honest exploration of their own inner work. Thus, the alternations between who is “teaching” who, allows for a much richer learning experience for the audience. Also as Hill says toward the end of the movie, “I used to think that the people I look up to are absolved of the problems that I have… There’s something beautiful about seeing your vulnerability for me that dissects that there will never be anyone who has it all figured out.” This is a particularly powerful revelation that demonstrates how vital it can be to break down the artificial power differential between client and therapist that often tend to exist. All these factors contributes to making it a profound, vulnerable and honest film.

Great Quotes

• “True confidence is living in uncertainty – and moving forwards. The winner is the one who takes a risk & eats the consequences. Not necessarily the one who makes the best decisions or looks the best.“
  
• “People think you become confident first and then take action. That is wrong. You would be waiting around forever for that. The best way to build confidence is to act.“

• “The highest creative expression for a human being is to be able to create something new right in the face of adversity. I am the person that puts the next pearl on the string.“

If you are interested to learn more, you can explore all the Tools on this website by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels, and read the book The Tools the two of them have written together.

Be well.